Cheap Kerry Jokes from Talk Shows

A peso each!

Published on September 15, 2004 By historyishere In Politics

Well, in these times of equal time for candidates, it wouldn't be fair to just make jokes at Bush's expense, so here is a short list of Kerry jokes from the Nightly talk shows, culled from the files of about.com

"We make jokes about it but the truth is this presidential election really offers us a choice of two well-informed, opposing positions on every issue. OK, they both belong to John Kerry, but they're still there." —Jay Leno

"John Kerry announced a fool-proof plan to wipe out the $500 billion deficit. John Kerry has a plan, he's going to put it on his wife's Gold Card." —Craig Kilborn

"John Kerry reportedly flew in his private hairdresser before his 'Meet the Press' interview for a total cost of $1,000. That's $1,000 for a haircut, which sounds like a lot, but have you seen the size of Kerry's head?" —Jay Leno

"John Kerry says the 'W' in George W. Bush stands for 'Wrong.' But he still can't explain what John Kerry stands for." —David Letterman

"They say John Kerry is the first Democratic presidential candidate in history to raise $50 million in a three-month period. Actually, that's nothing. He once raised $500 million with two words: 'I do.'" —Jay Leno

"This is so weird. I saw the new John Kerry campaign commercial and he says, 'I'm John Kerry and I approve of this message — if I have one.'" —Craig Kilborn

"The White House began airing their TV commercials to reelect the president, and the John Kerry campaign is condemning his use of 9/11 in the ads. He said it is unconscionable to use the tragic memory of a war in order to get elected, unless of course, it's the Vietnam War." —Jay Leno

"Please explain to me why John Kerry sounds more dickish telling the truth than Bush sounds when he's lying. How is that possible?" —Jon Stewart

"During last night's debate, John Kerry and John Edwards were so friendly to each other some political experts think that they may end up running together. In fact Kerry and Edwards were so friendly, President Bush accused them of planning a gay marriage." —Conan O'Brien

"In his speech last night, John Kerry said this was the beginning of the end of the Bush administration. I agree. Sure, it may take another five years, but this is it." —Jay Leno

"John Kerry and Ralph Nader met face-to-face, it was a historic meeting. Astronomers said today their meeting actually created what is called a 'charisma black hole.'" —Jay Leno

"You see the pictures in the paper today of John Kerry windsurfing? He's at his home in Nantucket this week, doing his favorite thing, windsurfing. Even his hobby depends on which way the wind blows." —Jay Leno

"The prisoner scandal is yet another election year problem for President Bush. And, with the economy still struggling, combat operations in Iraq dragging on, and the 9-11 hearings revealing damning information, even an opponent of limited political skill should be able to capitalize on those problems. The Democrats, however, chose to nominate John Kerry." —Jon Stewart

"John Kerry says that he wants to debate President Bush once a month until the election. This could be a risky move for Senator Kerry. If Bush doesn't show up for the debates, John Kerry may end up debating an empty chair. And that could be pretty much a toss up as to which one has the better personality." —Jay Leno

"John Kerry described his Republican critics as 'the most crooked, lying group I've ever seen.' Now, that's saying something, because Kerry's both a lawyer and a politician." —Jay Leno

And Finally:

"The Democrats are all over this. Democratic strategists feel John Kerry's war record means he can beat Bush. They say when it comes down to it voters will always vote for a war hero over someone who tried to get out of the war. I'll be sure to mention that to Bob Dole when I see him." —Jay Leno

Comments

ShoZan

on Sep 15, 2004

"The White House began airing their TV commercials to reelect the president, and the John Kerry campaign is condemning his use of 9/11 in the ads. He said it is unconscionable to use the tragic memory of a war in order to get elected, unless of course, it's the Vietnam War." —Jay Leno

"The Democrats are all over this. Democratic strategists feel John Kerry's war record means he can beat Bush. They say when it comes down to it voters will always vote for a war hero over someone who tried to get out of the war. I'll be sure to mention that to Bob Dole when I see him." —Jay Leno

Those two right there are pure comic gold and ring true to, good stuff from Jay Leno who happens that he might be a Liberal, well until more research is done or more info given by Jay, who knows besides Jay? I just think he likes to blast both sides for their failings.

messybuu

on Sep 15, 2004

Those were both great, and I'm glad that people are making jokes about both candidates. It shows that people are still grounded.

historyishere

on Sep 15, 2004

"The prisoner scandal is yet another election year problem for President Bush. And, with the economy still struggling, combat operations in Iraq dragging on, and the 9-11 hearings revealing damning information, even an opponent of limited political skill should be able to capitalize on those problems. The Democrats, however, chose to nominate John Kerry." —Jon Stewart

That is my favorite one because it burns both ways.

I would have loved to have seen the venerable Johnny Carson rip into these two though... that would have been some classy entertainment.

good stuff from Jay Leno who happens that he might be a Liberal, well until more research is done or more info given by Jay, who knows besides Jay?

Well he is from the Boston, Mass. area....

Angloesque

on Sep 16, 2004

We have "interesting" and "insightful," but we need an "LMAO" button, too.

V. funny.

-A.

historyishere

on Sep 16, 2004

Thank the good people at NBC, CBS, and Comedy Central for those laughs. I am sort of surprised I didn't get that many comments from Jon Stewart... shocked really.

jesusstayscrunchy

on Sep 16, 2004

"Please explain to me why John Kerry sounds more dickish telling the truth than Bush sounds when he's lying. How is that possible?" —Jon Stewart

That's bloody brilliant.

historyishere

on Sep 16, 2004

Yeah, Jon Stewart is very underrated sometimes as a comedian...

historyishere

on Sep 16, 2004

This story appeared on the IMDB today:

Leno: "I'm Not a Conservative"

In an apparent effort to counteract his portrayal as "the right comic" following his endorsement of Arnold Schwarzenegger in the California gubernatorial campaign, Jay Leno has told a Los Angeles columnist, "I'm not conservative. I've never voted that way in my life" and disclosed that he has no conservatives -- and no Republicans -- on his writing staff. In an interview with Nikki Finke appearing in L.A. Weekly magazine, Leno also expressed the opinion that "the media is in the pocket of the government, and they don't do their job. They have people like Michael Moore who do it for them." He told Finke that he often goes on the Internet, where he can "seek out and get news now where I want to get it, which I never could. ... Go on the Internet and get raw footage from Iraq right now, because some guy is broadcasting what they don't want you to see."

Interesting to say the least...

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