Humor... the great uniter.
With all the heated debate about the current election, I thought it might be nice to take a loving look back at the Clinton era with a group of older jokes... enjoy...
6 Presidents in a sinking boat.
Ford says: What do we do?
Bush says: Man the lifeboats!
Reagan says: What lifeboats?
Carter says: Women first!
Nixon says: Screw the women!
Clinton says: You think we have time?
Clinton, distraught and contemplating his latest scandal was walking through Washington looking for any kind of guidance. He walks up to the Washington Monument, looks up and says, "George, you were always wise, what should I do?" Low and behold, a voice comes down from above and says, "ABOLISH THE I.R.S. AND START OVER."
Clinton, amazed that he is talking to the past President thinks he'll try it again. He walks over to the Jefferson Memorial and utters the same request to America's author of the Declaration of Independence and one of its great early philosophers. "Thomas, you never had these kind of problems, what can I do to rally people behind me?" Again a voice from above answers, "WELFARE, IT'S NOT WORKING, ABOLISH IT, START OVER."
After hearing this Clinton is so excited he is planning to go to all the historic sites for guidance. Next he goes to the Lincoln Memorial for guidance from the President who met his untimely death after winning the Civil War and keeping the country unified. "Abe, I need your help, people are losing confidence in me and they no longer trust me what should I do?" After a substantial pause Abe responds, "TAKE THE DAY OFF, GO TO THE THEATER."
...The two major party presidential candidates today agreed that Americans are seeing too much inappropriate material in popular entertainment.
However, they disagreed on the details...
The Republican candidate, George W Bush, stated that there is too much bloody violence in the movies and on television. Vice President Al Gore, his Democratic opponent, stated meanwhile that the media present Americans with too much sex and frontal nudity.
In other words, Bush says there is too much gore, and Gore says there is too much bush.
Bill Clinton steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter. Right in front of him, on the White House lawn, he sees "The President Must Die" written in urine across the snow. Well, old Bill is pretty pissed off.
He storms into his security staff's headquaters and yells, "Somebody wrote a death threat in the snow on the front damn lawn! And they wrote it in urine! Son-of-a-bitch had to be standing right on the porch when he did it! Where were you guys?"
The security guys stay silent and stare ashamedly at the floor. Bill hollers, "Well dammit, don't just sit there! Get out and FIND OUT WHO DID IT! I want an answer, and I want it TONIGHT!"
The entire staff immediately jumped up and raced for the exits. Later that evening, his chief security officer approaches him and says, "Well Mr. President, we have some bad news, and we have some really bad news. Which do you want first?"
Clinton says, "Oh Hell, give me the bad news first." The officer says, "Well, we took a sample of the urine and tested it. The results just came back, and it was Al Gore's urine."
Clinton says, "Oh my god, I feel so ... so betrayed! My own vice president! Damn. Well, what's the really bad news?"
The officer replies, "Well, it's Hillary's handwriting."
Clinton is taking his morning run on the beach, when he finds a bottle that has washed up with the tide. He opens the bottle and a genie pops out. The genie says I will give you one wish.
Clinton thinks and says well how about peace in Bosnia?
The genie says where is Bosnia?
So, Clinton pulls out a map and gives him complicated directions. The genie gets so confused that he says "Do you have something a little closer by?
Clinton thinks and says well, I'd like you to like make my wife, Hillary, an honest woman.
The genie says, Whoah! Let me see those directions to Bosnia again!
The President and Mrs. Clinton were in the front row at the Yankees game, surrounded by Secret Service agents. Before the game started, one of the agents whispers in the President's ear, and Mr. Clinton smiles and nods. Then he grabs Hillary by the scruff of the neck and heaves her over the railing. She falls 10 feet onto the field, cursing all the way before landing in a heap in the dirt. The President raises his arms triumphantly and gets high-fives from fans all around him and then the agent leans over and whispers, "Uh, Mr. President, I said they wanted you to throw out the 1st PITCH!
Hope you enjoy them... and I have a feeling if Kerry wins next month, that last one is coming back into circulation.